I’ve always heard this saying, “It’s lonely at the top” or “leadership is lonely…”. But surely it doesn’t have to be that way… Loneliness is haunting. Jesus talks more about friendship than he does loveliness. He talks more about friendship than he does what we wanna try and understand as “leadership”… Jesus said, follow me, let’s hang out, let’s be friends… Lemme GUIDE you (More on leadership as GUIDANCE coming soon)
I recently read a book about the dangers of loneliness in leadership, and my response was something like “Duh!” Loneliness is one of the most dangerous things to happen to any leader. But what does it mean for a leader to be lonely?
How a leader’s loneliness can affect the whole church
The impacts of loneliness on you as a leader are not just personal. As the head of your organization, the way you feel and act can affect the whole church. Lonely leaders can be more susceptible to depression, anxiety, burnout, substance abuse, and even suicide. These things can affect the entire vision and direction of a ministry or organization. The Bible says in Proverbs 14:12 that “there is a way that seems right to a man but its end is death” (emphasis mine). This verse reminds us that there are consequences for sinning—including breaking God’s principles for leading well—which can lead to terrible consequences for those who follow along with those sins against God.
How do you know if a leader is lonely or just aloof?
You’ve probably seen aloof leaders before. They’re the ones who don’t listen, aren’t engaged and have a hard time collaborating with others. While this type of leader may seem like a total jerk, they can actually be lonely.
Lonely leaders are more likely to behave in this way because they are disengaged from their team and have poor relationships with them. According to Lisa DeMarinis, author of “Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Leading Teams,” loneliness is “the sense that you don’t matter or count in the world.” These feelings can make people feel insecure about themselves, which leads them to act in ways that make others think they aren’t capable of leading effectively (like being aloof).
How do you know if your own leadership style is lonely? It’s important to understand that loneliness can be both a cause and an effect of poor relationships. DeMarinis said that “being aloof isn’t the only way to lead, but it’s certainly one of them.”
Where does a leader find a real friend?
Church leaders should be friends with other church leaders.
The loneliness of leadership will sometimes seep into your life, and you need someone to talk to that understands the unique stressors of being in ministry. You can’t expect your spouse or family to understand all that goes into leading people’s lives and having them respond positively or negatively because they don’t know what it’s like for you—they’ve never worked in ministry. Your best bet may be other pastors who are facing similar struggles and who know exactly what you’re going through because they’re experiencing it themselves!
A real friend is one who knows your struggles, but doesn’t let them define you. We all have things in our past that we regret or wish we could change—things that may have happened years ago and are now just a memory. But for some reason, those memories tend to take on a life of their own and become more important than they should be.
Lonely leaders can cause ripple effects throughout their team.
Lonely leaders can cause ripple effects throughout their team. Lonely leaders are more likely to be stressed and anxious than their non-lonely counterparts, who in turn are more prone to depression, burnout and other forms of disengagement. The effect can go both ways: when you’re feeling isolated yourself, you may find it harder to relate to your employees.
But being lonely doesn’t just affect your mood, it can also hurt your ability to make good decisions. According to studies by psychologists at the University of California, Berkeley, loneliness increases bias and makes people more likely to rely on stereotypes when making judgments about others.
Conclusion
So, how do we fix this? First, we need to admit that it’s a problem—not just for individual leaders but for the church as a whole. I’m not saying that every pastor needs to have a best friend or that every church leader should be married (although those are good things!). But everyone needs someone they can truly count on and trust with their deepest fears and joys. Second, we need Christians who aren’t afraid of vulnerability themselves because they have experienced God’s love in such radical ways that they can pour out their hearts freely without worrying about being rejected or abandoned by others.
