Dean Cothill

Tag: Love your neighbour as you love yourself.

  • Daddy Self (Day)-Care

    Daddy Self (Day)-Care

    I have had to learn this the hard way. Elzaan and I have had to learn this the hard way. We have had to learn how to create spaces for each other to look after ourselves. Parenting requires a lot of self-care. Our capacity to care for our children decreases as we take less care of ourselves. Although it may seem illogical, this is a fundamental truth that many of us find difficult to embrace. Jesus encourages us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. So maybe put a little differently, parents love your children as you love yourself. I think in the world that we live in today, we have almost gone way way way left and have loved our kids so much to the point of forgetting and neglecting ourselves. So maybe we should be saying, love yourself, as you love your kids?

    Love yourself.

    We all know how these days go, up at 5, prep lunch boxes, quick showers all round, choosing what to wear, for everyone haha and all the rest. The planned things and the unplanned things. Lord help us. As parents, we frequently prioritize the needs of our kids before our own. We place a higher priority on meeting their physical, emotional, and educational requirements, frequently at the expense of our own needs. We could believe that by prioritizing our kids, we are doing what is best for them. This way of thinking, meanwhile, can result in exhaustion, resentment, and a lack of REAL bonding with our kids.

    You matter.

    When we don’t take care of ourselves, we get worn out on the inside and out. We could become agitated and quick-tempered, which might result in arguments with our kids. We are also less able to think properly and make wise decisions when we are low on energy. Our relationships with our children may suffer as a result of our finding it difficult to participate in activities we used to enjoy. Side note, when was the last time you just laughed with your child? Make jokes? Played hide and seek?

    Self-care is not being a jerk. Both for the sake of our own health and the health of our kids, it is crucial. In order to be present, forgiving, and loving with our kids, we must take care of ourselves. And as we live that out in the presence of our children they actually see us doing these things and so ingrain in them the idea that looking after yourself is crucial to daily life. 

    Self-care

    For every person, self-care might appear different. Exercise, meditation, counseling, or simply setting aside a little period of time each day to read a book or relax with a cup of tea can all be part of it. It is crucial that we carve out time in our hectic schedules for self-care, no matter what form it takes. Each of us have to make this decision, whatever it may look like…

    Daily grind and self care

    I am not here, I have not arrived. We are coming out of a 3 year lock down, pandemic, 2019 shambles, which put so many other stresses on what it meant to be parents and have kids. Some of us even have lock down babies and I’m sure we gonna be hearing more and more about what this means for us as more and more people do research and studies on this. What I do hope you hear me saying though is this, taking care of yourself is not a luxury; it’s a need. To be able to care for our children, we must first take care of ourselves. We must never forget that our children are at their best when we are. “Self-care is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation,” Brené Brown explains.

  • What is the difference between “holding space” and “giving space” to/for someone…

    What is the difference between “holding space” and “giving space” to/for someone…

    Holding space for someone and giving someone space are two distinct concepts that are often conflated or used interchangeably, but they have significant differences in their meanings and implications on relationships. Here I want to explore these ideas like one would a forest, slowly and gently, watching where we step as to try and see the difference between these two terms and how they can be used effectively in our relationships and communication.

    Holding Space VS Giving Space

    First, let’s define each term. “Holding space” refers to the act of being present with someone in a non-judgmental and supportive way, without trying to fix or change their experience or emotions. (Men I know this seems impossible and that we want to FIX FIX FIX). It involves actively listening, offering empathy and understanding, and providing a safe and caring environment for the other person to process their feelings and thoughts. “Giving someone space,” on the other hand, means allowing that person the physical or emotional distance they need to deal with their own issues or feelings without interference or pressure. It can involve taking a step back and allowing the other person to have some solitude, or it can mean giving them the time and freedom to work through their emotions on their own. For some, this can be a very lonely and isolating experience. This is why it is so key for us to understand and see the difference in approaches here.

    Now that we have a basic understanding of the two concepts, let’s explore the differences between them in more detail.

    One key difference between holding space

    One key difference between holding space and giving someone space is the level of involvement and engagement. When you hold space for someone, you are actively present and engaged with that person, offering support and understanding as they navigate their emotions. You are not trying to solve their problems or fix their feelings, but rather you are simply there to be a supportive and caring presence. THATS IT. On the other hand, when you give someone space, you are taking a step back and allowing that person the freedom and independence to work through their own issues. You may still be available for support and communication, sending message every once in a while, but you are not as actively involved in their emotional process.

    Another difference between holding space and giving someone space is the level of emotional connection and intimacy. Holding space for someone involves creating a deep and meaningful connection with that person, where you are able to offer genuine empathy and understanding. This requires vulnerability and a willingness to be emotionally open and present with the other person. Giving someone space, on the other hand, involves allowing that person the freedom and independence to deal with their own emotions without interference. It may involve less emotional intimacy and connection, as you are not as actively involved in their emotional process. Here it is also important to take note of whether someone said “they need space” or if you have decided to just “give them space”…

    Finally, the timing and context of holding space and giving someone space can also be different. Holding space is typically done in the moment, as a way of being present and supportive with someone who is struggling or dealing with difficult emotions. It is often used as a way of offering comfort and support in the face of adversity or crisis. Giving someone space, on the other hand, may be more appropriate in situations where the other person needs some time and distance to work through their own issues or emotions. It may involve taking a step back and allowing the other person some solitude (loneliness and solitude are two things not to be confused) or independence, in order to give them the time and space they need to process their feelings. (Once again, depending on who initiated which course of action).

    The place of EMPATHY and VULNERABILITY…

    In friendships, empathy and vulnerability are key ingredients that help to foster deep and meaningful connections. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person, and it allows us to connect with others on a deeper level by putting ourselves in their shoes and seeing the world from their perspective. Vulnerability, on the other hand, involves being open and authentic with others, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences even when it may be difficult or uncomfortable.

    Both empathy and vulnerability are essential for building and maintaining strong and healthy friendships. Without empathy, it can be difficult to fully understand and support our friends, and we may struggle to connect with them on a deeper level. Without vulnerability, we may not feel comfortable opening up and sharing our true selves with others, which can prevent us from building meaningful and authentic relationships.

    By cultivating empathy and vulnerability in our friendships, we can create safe and supportive environments where we can be honest and open with each other, and where we can offer genuine support and understanding to those we care about. Whether we are dealing with joy or sadness, success or failure, by embracing empathy and vulnerability, we can create friendships that are based on genuine connection and support.

    So, for me coming out of some dark places and having to fight some memories that have turned into monsters, I really hope this distinction helps someone. I think the main difference between holding space and giving someone space is the level of involvement and engagement, the level of emotional connection and intimacy, and the timing and context in which they are used. Holding space involves being present and engaged with someone in a supportive and caring way, while giving someone space involves allowing that person the freedom and independence to work through their own issues and emotions. Both can be valuable and important in different situations, and understanding the distinction between them can help us navigate relationships and communication more effectively.

    Let’s keep in touch

    Grace and peace

    Dean

  • Why is caring for people so hard right now?

    Why is caring for people so hard right now?

    If you asked me this question a year or two ago as on online pastor, this would have been my response…

    Here are seven potential reasons why being a church leader may be particularly challenging right now:

    • Pandemic-related restrictions: Many churches have had to adapt to pandemic-related restrictions on gathering sizes and social distancing measures, which can be difficult to navigate and may require leaders to make difficult decisions.
    • Virtual worship: Many churches have had to pivot to virtual worship, which can be less personal and interactive than in-person gatherings and may require additional technical skills and resources.
    • Disruption of regular routines: The pandemic has disrupted many regular routines, which may make it harder for leaders to plan and carry out ministry as usual.
    • Financial strain: The pandemic has had a significant economic impact on many individuals and families, which may affect their ability to contribute financially to the church and create additional financial pressures for leaders.
    • Mental health challenges: The pandemic and related stressors may be causing increased mental health challenges for many people, including leaders.
    • Political and cultural division: There may be political and cultural division within the church or within the wider community, which can create challenges for leaders.
    • Limited in-person interaction: Many churches have had to limit in-person interaction due to pandemic restrictions, which can make it harder for leaders to build relationships and provide support to members.

    These are answers that are based around leadership, church boards and structure, external circumstances like the pandemic and the list goes on and on and on…

    But what do we get to blame now?

    But Jesus addresses another idea and this idea particularly around what it means to LOVE ONE ANOTHER, BUT why is this so complicated at the moment…

    It is not uncommon for people to find it difficult to love others at times. There can be many reasons for this, including personal issues, external stressors, and challenges in relationships.

    One common reason why people may struggle to love others is because they are going through a difficult time in their own lives and are not able to fully focus on and engage with others. This can be due to personal issues such as mental health problems, financial stress, or other challenges that are occupying a lot of their mental and emotional energy.

    Another reason why loving others may be difficult is if there are challenges or conflicts in the relationships themselves. This could be due to differences in values, communication issues, or other conflicts that make it hard to feel connected and supportive towards the other person.

    It is also possible that external stressors, such as the demands of work or other responsibilities, can make it harder to find the time and energy to devote to loving others.

    Ultimately, the specific reason why loving others may be difficult will depend on the individual and their unique circumstances. If you are finding it hard to love others and are not sure why, it might be helpful to reflect on your own feelings and experiences, and to consider seeking the support of a mental health professional if you are struggling.

    Jesus said, love your neighbour as you love yourself, yet we find ourselves in the world, I believe more than ever, where we don’t have a clue about what it means to love ourselves. We talk about self-care and self-this or self-that, as if it’s the exception. It’s just care, and love for yourself.

    So easy for me to do to others, but I cannot do it to myself…

    So Jesus later says, I give you a new command, LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AS I HAVE LOVED YOU. I wonder if could see these guys, these disciples were struggling to love themselves and so it affected their relationship with each other. So He serves them in the lowest way possible in the day. (A topic for another day – but google what it meant to be a bond servant and what it meant to wash peoples feet. I wonder if Jesus was almost saying, Love yourself, as you love others. (Empaths, you feel me?) Love yourself, as you have loved others.

    • Be kind to yourself, as you have been kind to others.
    • Be gentle to yourself, as you have been kind to others.
    • Be patient to yourself, as you have been patient to others.
    • Be generous to yourself, as you have been generous to others.
    • Show yourself as much GRACE, as you do your friends…

    Loving yourself is important for your overall well-being and happiness. When you have a positive and healthy relationship with yourself, you are more likely to feel confident, capable, and resilient in the face of challenges.

    Self-love involves treating yourself with kindness, compassion, and respect, and recognizing your own worth and value as a person. It also involves taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health, and setting boundaries to protect yourself from harm or unhealthy situations.

    Self-love is not about being arrogant or egotistical, but rather about having a realistic and positive view of yourself and your worth. It is also not about being perfect or never experiencing negative emotions, but rather about accepting yourself, including your flaws and limitations, and treating yourself with care and understanding.

    Loving yourself can also make it easier to love others, as it helps you to feel more confident and secure in your relationships and allows you to be more open and receptive to the love and support of others. Love your neighbour, as you love yourself.

    Go easy on yourself today friend.

    Grace and peace

    Dean