In the still of the night I find myself caught. Between the calm and the storm The tension of quiet and chaos, Tugging at my mind, leaving me torn
I try to escape. To find some peace, but the chaos within me never seems to cease. The quiet it beckons but the storm rages on, leaving me trapped In a cycle so wrong.
I long for the silence, The Peace it brings. But the chaos, it follows like the flutter of wings. I try to outrun it but it’s always at my heels. The tension between quiet and chaos and he fears it reveals
I’m caught in a battle, a war in my mind. The quiet, it whispers. But the chaos, it screams and it shoves. I try to find my balance, but it’s hard to be kind to the part of me that just wants to hide.
I seek refuge in the quiet but the chaos, it lurks I try to escape it. But it always seems to work its way back into my head. The tension, it never fades, leaving me stuck in this endless cycle of quiet and chaos, of fear and dismay.
But I won’t give up yet I’ll keep Fighting this Fight, I’ll seek out the quiet and try to make it right. The chaos may rage on but I won’t be overcome I’ll find my way through. This tension between quiet and chaos, this scary unknown.
Holding space for someone and giving someone space are two distinct concepts that are often conflated or used interchangeably, but they have significant differences in their meanings and implications on relationships. Here I want to explore these ideas like one would a forest, slowly and gently, watching where we step as to try and see the difference between these two terms and how they can be used effectively in our relationships and communication.
Holding Space VS Giving Space
First, let’s define each term. “Holding space” refers to the act of being present with someone in a non-judgmental and supportive way, without trying to fix or change their experience or emotions. (Men I know this seems impossible and that we want to FIX FIX FIX). It involves actively listening, offering empathy and understanding, and providing a safe and caring environment for the other person to process their feelings and thoughts. “Giving someone space,” on the other hand, means allowing that person the physical or emotional distance they need to deal with their own issues or feelings without interference or pressure. It can involve taking a step back and allowing the other person to have some solitude, or it can mean giving them the time and freedom to work through their emotions on their own. For some, this can be a very lonely and isolating experience. This is why it is so key for us to understand and see the difference in approaches here.
Now that we have a basic understanding of the two concepts, let’s explore the differences between them in more detail.
One key difference between holding space
One key difference between holding space and giving someone space is the level of involvement and engagement. When you hold space for someone, you are actively present and engaged with that person, offering support and understanding as they navigate their emotions. You are not trying to solve their problems or fix their feelings, but rather you are simply there to be a supportive and caring presence. THATS IT. On the other hand, when you give someone space, you are taking a step back and allowing that person the freedom and independence to work through their own issues. You may still be available for support and communication, sending message every once in a while, but you are not as actively involved in their emotional process.
Another difference between holding space and giving someone space is the level of emotional connection and intimacy. Holding space for someone involves creating a deep and meaningful connection with that person, where you are able to offer genuine empathy and understanding. This requires vulnerability and a willingness to be emotionally open and present with the other person. Giving someone space, on the other hand, involves allowing that person the freedom and independence to deal with their own emotions without interference. It may involve less emotional intimacy and connection, as you are not as actively involved in their emotional process. Here it is also important to take note of whether someone said “they need space” or if you have decided to just “give them space”…
Finally, the timing and context of holding space and giving someone space can also be different. Holding space is typically done in the moment, as a way of being present and supportive with someone who is struggling or dealing with difficult emotions. It is often used as a way of offering comfort and support in the face of adversity or crisis. Giving someone space, on the other hand, may be more appropriate in situations where the other person needs some time and distance to work through their own issues or emotions. It may involve taking a step back and allowing the other person some solitude (loneliness and solitude are two things not to be confused) or independence, in order to give them the time and space they need to process their feelings. (Once again, depending on who initiated which course of action).
The place of EMPATHY and VULNERABILITY…
In friendships, empathy and vulnerability are key ingredients that help to foster deep and meaningful connections. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person, and it allows us to connect with others on a deeper level by putting ourselves in their shoes and seeing the world from their perspective. Vulnerability, on the other hand, involves being open and authentic with others, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences even when it may be difficult or uncomfortable.
Both empathy and vulnerability are essential for building and maintaining strong and healthy friendships. Without empathy, it can be difficult to fully understand and support our friends, and we may struggle to connect with them on a deeper level. Without vulnerability, we may not feel comfortable opening up and sharing our true selves with others, which can prevent us from building meaningful and authentic relationships.
By cultivating empathy and vulnerability in our friendships, we can create safe and supportive environments where we can be honest and open with each other, and where we can offer genuine support and understanding to those we care about. Whether we are dealing with joy or sadness, success or failure, by embracing empathy and vulnerability, we can create friendships that are based on genuine connection and support.
So, for me coming out of some dark places and having to fight some memories that have turned into monsters, I really hope this distinction helps someone. I think the main difference between holding space and giving someone space is the level of involvement and engagement, the level of emotional connection and intimacy, and the timing and context in which they are used. Holding space involves being present and engaged with someone in a supportive and caring way, while giving someone space involves allowing that person the freedom and independence to work through their own issues and emotions. Both can be valuable and important in different situations, and understanding the distinction between them can help us navigate relationships and communication more effectively.
Physical exercise is important for people who have high stress jobs or work environments for a number of reasons. I love morning runs on the beach or the road, Sardinia Bay is my absolute BEST! Sunset walks with the family at Sacramento is also just the best, sand and sea water between our toes. Then also love Gym at Virgin, and recently getting back into CrossFit with my friend Jeremy at Lion’s Bay. Main thing for me as a “HEART” person, is it allows me to FEEL my BODY. (More about this in a later post)…
These things have become daily routines for me and have had massive positive impacts on my emotional well being, as a husband, as a dad and as a friend.
Why even exercise?
First and foremost, physical exercise has been shown to have a positive effect on mental health. When we engage in physical activity, our bodies release endorphins, which are chemicals that act as natural painkillers and mood elevators. This can help to reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression, and can also improve overall well-being and sense of happiness.
In addition to its mental health benefits, physical exercise has also been shown to have a positive impact on physical health. Regular physical activity can help to reduce the risk of chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and obesity, and can also help to improve sleep quality and overall energy levels.
Furthermore, physical exercise can also be a useful tool for managing stress in the workplace. Engaging in physical activity can provide an outlet for stress and can help to clear the mind, allowing individuals to approach their work with a greater sense of focus and clarity. In addition, the social aspect of physical exercise can also be beneficial, as it can provide an opportunity for individuals to connect with others and build supportive relationships that can be helpful in managing the demands of a high stress job or work environment.
Overall, the benefits of physical exercise for individuals with high stress jobs or work environments are numerous and varied. By improving mental and physical health, managing stress, and providing social support, physical exercise can help individuals to better cope with the demands of their work and lead happier, healthier lives.
Ever wondered why we are all so tired all the time? Why it seems like we can’t ever get enough sleep, like a 4 hour nights sleeps makes us feel like the same as 10 hours.
Burn-out, a lot like field fires, isn’t exactly something I ever actively thought about never mind something I ever thought I would go through. Never in my life did I think I would be on medication and ANTI-DEPRESSANTS to name a few.
A few years back we had a wild fire spread across the Garden Route and Nelson Mandela Bay Area here in South Africa. Homes were lost, people lost everything and fire fighters did everything in their power to stop the speed at which the fire was moving, but sometimes, even when you can smell the fire a mile away, you just simply can’t do anything to stop what’s happening…
So what is burnout/stress/fatigue even and how does this stuff happen?
“Burn-out is a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterized by three dimensions:
feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and
reduced professional efficacy.
Burn-out refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life.”
For me, its was and is like a wild fire…
So on some windy days around here you can smell a fire miles off. There is a fire somewhere in the area and you can smell burning grass. Thats how it happened to me, that’s how I got really badly burnt.
When the wind blows in a particular direction you can smell the fire that’s a long way off, then when the wind dies down, the smell eventually subsides and you kinda carry on with your day. The air still kinda smells and your clothes might even be affected about you move on quite quickly.
There are moments in your week, that have an affect on you, you take a couple hits, things and people hurt you little, there is an argument or two, but you shrug it off, have a glass of wine with two Panado’s and you carry on. You body is still carrying some of the things from that week, still carrying some of the memories of those moments.
Then there are some days that although there may be a fire, you find yourself upwind, so you don’t actually smell anything, you don’t notice anything, you don’t actually take a moment to check if everything is ok, cause, well you’re ok, right? But a friend tells you a story about something that happened, you see something on YouTube or you bump into an ex or friend that has memory attached it.
It’s not that it’s JUST a place of work, people or a person, or even past experiences that sneak up and remind you of hurts or trauma’s. I am who I am, you are who you are. We are all human and we are actually all in this together. But on some days, some days the wind really blows and all the conditions for a raging uncontrollable fire line up.
So on some days, the wind blows, the wind really blows, it’s a hot day and everything begins to move the fire in your direction. You smell the smoke and eventually you start seeing the smoke and at that point, there is absolutely nothing you can do, AND there is nothing you could’ve done to prepare you for the moment and no amount of water in the world is going to slow this all down.
Recognizing the signs of burnout.
There are many potential warning signs of depression, and they can vary from person to person. Some common signs and symptoms of depression include:
Persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or emptiness
Loss of interest in activities that were previously enjoyed
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Insomnia or oversleeping
Changes in appetite and/or weight
Loss of energy and fatigue
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Difficulty functioning at work, school, or in social situations
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicidal behavior
It’s important to note that experiencing one or more of these symptoms does not necessarily mean that someone is depressed. However, if you are experiencing several of these symptoms and they are interfering with your daily life, it’s a good idea to speak with a mental health professional for an evaluation.
So stay with me on wild fires for a moment…
Wildfires can be dangerous for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons is the intense heat and flames that can cause serious burns and injuries. Wildfires can also produce large amounts of smoke, which can be harmful to breathe and can cause respiratory issues. In addition, the smoke from a wildfire can reduce visibility, making it difficult to see and navigate. Have you been in a situation like this or have you met people like this?
Another danger of wildfires is that they can cause damage to homes and other structures. Wildfires can spread quickly and can destroy homes, buildings, and other infrastructure in their path. They can also disrupt utilities, such as electricity and water, and make it difficult for people to evacuate safely. Have you been in a situation like this or have you met people like this?
Finally, wildfires can have a major impact on the environment. They can destroy wildlife habitats and kill or injure wildlife. Wildfires can also release large amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, contributing to climate change. Have you been in a situation like this or have you met people like this?
Overall, wildfires can be very dangerous and have a range of impacts on people, communities, and the environment. It is important to take steps to prevent wildfires and to follow evacuation orders and other safety guidelines if a wildfire does occur. Have you been in a situation like this or have you met people like this?
Where to from here?
Recovering from burnout or depression can be a challenging process, and it is important to prioritize your physical and mental health. Here are a few tips that may help:
Seek professional help: Consider seeing a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor. They can help you identify the causes of your burnout or depression and develop a treatment plan.
Take care of your physical health: Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and exercising regularly. These activities can help improve your mood and reduce feelings of stress and anxiety.
Practice stress management techniques: There are many stress management techniques that can help you cope with burnout or depression, such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga. Find what works best for you and make it a regular part of your routine.
Set boundaries: It’s important to set boundaries with your work and other commitments to ensure that you are not overextending yourself. Take breaks when you need them, and don’t be afraid to say no to tasks or activities that may be overwhelming.
Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a support group about what you are going through. It can be helpful to have a strong support system to lean on during this time.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and to take the time you need to recover. It may be a long and difficult process, but with the right support and self-care, it is possible to overcome burnout and depression.
Do we need more space?
People who are suffering from mental or emotional health “issues” don’t need “space”. Thoughts can be dark places and it’s impossible to get through them alone. Isolation and loneliness is a killer. It’s haunting.Message your friends, tell them you love them, tell them you value them, tell them want and need them around in the world and that there presence matters. Tell them that when they are ready to try brave the world again and put pants on to leave the house, you’ll be there ready to hold their hand and take it one step at a time. Tell them you love them again and that you really really mean it.
